Thursday, January 28, 2010

Movie Review: Kickboxer from Hell

Fun fact about this movie: it's actually two movies in one, with original scenes spliced together with a redub of an old Japanese horror movie. It's actually painfully obvious, but it's probably the most interesting thing about this movie.

So the film starts out with a woman running through the woods, doing her best to convince us that she is frightened but falling far short of the mark. You can only do so much when you're being chased by a bunch of Indian guides wearing shirts made out of potato sacks.

She wanders into a clearing where our two manly heroes are doing manly stuff like punching each other in the middle of the woods.

Soon Chief Shitting Bull (pictured) catches up with her, and he and Manly Man #1 exchange such pleasantries as "fuck" and "asshole." Then they duke it out while this guy watches, much to my delight:

Blah blah blah, Manly Man wins, the other guys step in, but the Chief yells "Stop! Leave him for Lucifer," blah blah...wait, what? What exactly was this lady doing? We soon find out, but not before a long-winded, context-less interlude about some Japanese dumb asses who buy a haunted house (HERE'S A HINT FOLKS: THE PRESENCE OF DEMON LADIES DOES NOT HELP YOUR RESALE VALUE) After we return to Whitey White Land, our damsel in distress drops this bombshell:

She's a nun, working undercover for the devil

A nun, working undercover for the devil.

The Caddo Tribe apparently wanted to sacrifice her. But all that isn't half as stupid and ridiculous as M.M.#1's response:

Blah Blah Blah, the Japanese are still scared, blah blah blah, hey check this guy out:

The bad guy in this movie is Gene Simmons?

And his head henchman is Val Kilmer reprising his role as Iceman from Top Gun. Meh. I've seen worse. Anyway, that's all I need to know. Let's skip to the big finish:

M.M. kills Satan by destroying his magic candles. Makes sense.

Anyway, not the worst flick I've seen. Definitely worth the two bucks I paid for it.

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